As some of you may have figured out, my partner and I split up in September. Since then, I have been on an awkward path to carve out a life on my own. When dating life gets to be just a bit too much, I head to the kitchen and pull out the baking pans. I mix in toasted peanuts, almond meal and dark chocolate chips. I sweeten with stevia and I measure out the coconut oil. I preheat the oven and 60 minutes later, I have paleo chocolate peanut banana bread. And life seems just a bit simpler.
“I think tyrannies should be judged by their quality of life, and not by external notions of democracy,” he says in a high pitched cadence, barely pausing for breath before moving on to the next point in a barrage of realpolitik talk.
I sit on the bed in the apartment I used to share with my ex, my eyes getting as big as saucers with every passing word. I look at the furniture around me, furniture I had lovingly selected with a man I loved, respected, and enjoyed bantering with. I see the stark contrasts in the shadows, just awaiting to rear their ugly heads in protest.
I try to get a word in, signal my vehement disagreement. But there is no room for it, for my opinions, for breath. And the room around me starts to get suffocating, and my heart begins to palpitate with anxiety.
It is then that I understand this call must end, now. And that there will be no second call, or coffee date. I make up some excuse about needing to meet friends in five minutes, and I quickly get off the phone. I take a few deep breaths, trying to restore my heart rhythm, find my grounding, help my body overcome the fight-or-flight cycle it has been pushed into.
I head to the kitchen and whip up a simple paleo chocolate peanut banana bread, based on the winning recipe from Paleo Cooking from Elana’s Pantry. I watch the bread rise, the top crisp up and golden, the chocolate chips lose some of their shape as they soften into spheres of delicious cocoa goodness. I breathe in the scent of bananas.
And I know that maybe I’m not really ready for dating, after all.
You can find the recipe for this quick, soul-warming paleo chocolate peanut banana bread up on the Greeniche blog.
I received monetary compensation in exchange for the recipe I developed for Greeniche (they didn’t pay me to express my opinions on dating; that’s entirely free). However, I am proud to only work with those companies whose products I truly love. And as always, all opinions expressed here are my own; you can always expect me to be honest with you guys!
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